Bad AsS CaR CRasH
PROLOGUE:
“You say you got a joke
I’m telling you it better be a good one
Don’t let your own initiative get the best of you
Save something for the drive home
Maybe you don’t have a chance in hell
But maybe you don’t mind the burn”
Act One
“A man, a woman and a car…Billy’s parents meet.”
Scene:
An 18-wheeler
Highway 35 North, towards Iowa
(Enter Big Daddy Crambone)
Some FucKer from TeXas
Well, he was a trucker just up from Texas
He was a trucker just up from Texas
Bumper sticker on the side of his cab read
“No lot lizards if you please”
And he was always a fucker
But some would say if you could get him to calm down
For just one moment he was really okay
But that was a lie
He was always a fucker
BACC Chorus
A fucker
He was all hopped up on cornbread or crank or speed or something
Hell, he didn’t remember or even care
he was in the zone
Up on highway 35
Hauling beer up to Iowa because God damnit they were thirsty
And there weren’t no way he was gonna let a man go thirsty
Not when he had something to say about that
Of course, he was still a fucker
BACC Chorus
A fucker
You’ve been deceived
Lonely people they will cheat you
Cut between the shit they say and all the shit they mean
Now cool as a New York janitor he pulled into town
Bought two chimichangas and forced them down
Went uptown and dropped his load
And he asked the boys that were working there
if they knew where he could get a shower
and If they knew the way to the nearest titty bar
Fortunately, it was not far
Somewhere along the way he heard someone say
That trucker there’s one dirty fucker
BACC Chorus
Dirty fucker
You’ve been deceived
Lonely people they will cheat you
Cut between the shit they say and all the shit they mean
Somewhere along the way he hooked himself up with a lame ass handle like
Big Daddy Crambone
Big Daddy Crambone
(CB Radio) This is Big Daddy Crambone come on back
But all the girls they seemed to like him anyway
When he serves them up a plate of his cheap 70s cocaine
BACC Chorus
It was all the rage
Now that trucker had a personality that offended nearly everybody
Except for it seems young big chested beautiful girls
Which only irritated everybody all the more
It wasn’t so much his actions as just the way that he was
Barrel chested…beautiful
Deep inside he just wants to be loved
No that’s a lie
He’s just a fucker
BACC Chorus
A fucker
You’ve been deceived
Lonely people they will cheat you
Cut between the shit they say…
You’ve been deceived
Lonely people
they will cheat you and they will deceive you
Cut between the shit they say
and all the shit they mean
Scene:
St Gretchen’s Titty Bar and Grill
Amateur Night
America
(Enter the Rev. McMegaMeat)
WelcoMe to St. GretcHeN’s
Rev. McMegaMeat
Well good evening and welcome to St Gretchen’s Titty bar and grill
where we have gathered together to worship the tit
I am the Reverend McMegaMeat
This is the Heavenly Shmeavenly Choir
and we are of course thrilled to have you here in the congregation this evening
Heavenly Shmeavenly Choir
Welcome to St Gretchen’s
Providing sexual frustration for the whole congregation
Welcome to St Gretchen’s
You can look but baby that’s all your getting welcome to St Gretchen’s
Rev. McMegaMeat
Now where other strip clubs may leave you burdened by feelings of guilt
St Gretchen’s avoids all that by wrapping our sex up in a thin veil of Christianity
By repeating words like the lord…
Heavenly Shmeavenly Choir
The Lord!
Rev. McMegaMeat
And Jesus
Heavenly Shmeavenly Choir
Jesus!
Rev. McMegaMeat
Because as long as you hear these words enough you will accept anything as true
And we’ll serve it up with a plate of our famous curly fries
Heavenly Shmeavenly Choir
Curly Fries!
Welcome to St Gretchen’s
Providing sexual frustration for the whole congregation
Welcome to St Gretchen’s
You can look but baby that’s all your getting welcome to St Gretchen’s
Rev. McMegaMeat
But right now, ladies and gentlemen brothers and sisters
I would like to draw your attention to center stage
where we have got our feature presentation for this evening
Something we like to call amateur night’s shake your ass contest.
We got a couple of the local girls up here and they like to
worship the lord for you
in their own special way
Ladies…
ShaKe Your ASs For JeSus
Shake your ass one time for Jesus
Give it up…Give it up one time for the Lord
Shake your ass one time for Jesus
Give it up…Give it up one time for the Lord
He’s been holding that party down
For such a long time won’t you
Give it up give it up one time for God
She Shakes her ass (She shakes her ass)
For all the boys just to entice them
She Shakes her ass (She shakes her ass)
For all the boys and then she denies them
She says sometimes we all run together
Sometimes well we all fall apart
I know this girl but she ain’t easy
I know this woman but she ain’t easy
She says “I don’t know nothing about nothing man no nothing bothers me”
She says “I don’t know nothing about nothing man but that never bothered me”
And then she
She Shakes her ass (She shakes her ass)
For all the boys just to entice them
She Shakes her ass (She shakes her ass)
For all the boys and then she denies them
Don’t even like them
She walks right by them
She’ll only give it up give it up give it up one time for the lord
So why don’t you
Shake your ass one time for Jesus
Give it up…Give it up one time for the Lord
He’s been holding that party down
For such a long time won’t you
Give it up…give it up one time for God
Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey (Here we are)
Hey Hey Hey (Here we are)
Busted
St. GreTCheN’s (RePrise)
Well, she did not know if it was the careful way he slipped that five spot into her G-string
That first attracted her to him
Or the “at night all this turns to peter” t-shirt tucked in over the perfectly round beer gut
She was in love and she knew she was not going home alone
She was in love and she knew knew she was not going home alone
Big Daddy Crambone
Which car is yours?
Billy’s Mom
The brown Impala
Big Daddy Crambone
Shall I drive?
Billy’s Mom
Well, if you want to.
Big Daddy Crambone
Is your place close by or maybe we should just park?
They slipped into her brand-new Impala
And they were…
HumPin-BAcK to TeXas
Hump hump hump hump hump… they were humpin
BACC Chorus
They were humpin!
They were Hump hump hump hump hump…they were humpin
BACC Chorus
They were humpin!
And they were hump hump hump hump humpity hump hump…they were humpin
BACC Chorus
They were humpin!
When they were done
had to admit they’d had fun
She said he should stay
he said that there was no way
Cause when they were through
he got up to go
Because that’s what truckers do
Besides he knew in two more months he’d be back through
When she first opened the door she was so excited to see him the first thing she did was
give him head
BACC Chorus
Hoorah!
Then you better sit down she said…
Well the trucker could tell from the tone of her voice that something was horribly horribly wrong
His knees knocked together
His hands began to sweat
And he was sure for just one moment
he could smell his own ass
Time stood still
Somewhere off in the distance a dog barked
And she said
Billy’s Mom
Baby…baby
I’m all knocked up
And you’re the daddy
You’re the daddy
You’re the daddy
You’re the daddy
Hi Daddy!
BACC Chorus
Oh no he got her knocked up…what is he going to do
Oh no he got her knocked up…what is he going to do
Oh no he got her knocked up…what is he going to do
Oh no he got her knocked up…what is he going to do
What you going to do trucker man?
the only thing a trucker can
What you going to do trucker man?
Well…
The only thing a trucker can
Hey…How do?
How’s you?
How’s your family too?
Better get your ass on back to Texas
If you know what’s good for you
Said hey…How do?
How’s you?
How’s your family too?
Better get your ass on back to Texas
If you know what’s good for you
She wanted more than a man prepared to give
Wanted home wanted house wanted wife wanted kids
But here we are and he’s regretting all of his frustrations
Wished he’d just stayed home
Stayed home and masturbated
But now she’s knocked up and I’m a get get get get get gone
Prayed to the lord to take me home…
On back to Texas
On back to Texas
Hey…How do?
How’s you?
How’s your family too?
Better get your ass on back to Texas
If you know what’s good for you
Said hey…hogged tied
down low
to the floor you go
But then you get back up and and then you beg for more.
Up like a shot grabbed his coat hit the road
Sorry babe it’s been fun
Don’t you cry now it’s done
I ain’t ready for a life of wedded misery
If it ain’t the best for you well
I know what’s best for me
But now she’s knocked up and I’m a get get get get get gone
Prayed to the lord to head on home…
On back to Texas
On back to Texas
One more time
Hey…How do?
How’s you?
How’s that family too?
Better get your ass on back to Texas
If you know what’s good for you
Said hey…hogged tied
down low
to the floor you go
But then you get back up and
and then you pray for more.
Yes you do..
Yes you do…
Yes you do…
Do wacka do wacka do wacka do
If you swear you can’t take it hit the road hit the road
When you don’t think you’ll make it time to go time to go
No regrets don’t give in
Stand up to all of your frustration
Grab your cock
Take a shot
Try masturbation
But now your knocked up and I’m a get get get get get gone
Prayed to the lord said head on home…
On back to Texas
On back to Texas
On back to Texas
On back to Texas…
End ACt oNe