Bad ASs Car CRash
Act Three
“The next morning…finding out what you’re made of.”
Scene:
Morning
Knob Noster Inn
38.769047, -93.574130
Waking Up is Hard to Do
Billy Joe woke up with a hell of a start
Looked around in a panic and grabbed his heart
He said “Oh no, I think I’m dying.”
Well finally he calmed his ass down
Assessed the situation as he looked around
And as he sat up he said
“I feel like crying.”
“Oh Lord, I can’t believe but I’ve been deceived
By the type of girl that’d make a sober man heave
And she left me here with no money no clothes and I
I…I…I’ve tried everything I know
I just want to get laid
But they’ve taken everything, and I have yet to be made
I don’t want to give up, but I feel that I
Might be losing my mind.”
Billy opened the door to the hotel room
He stood there naked staring out at the street outside
It glistened in the morning dew
His brown Impala reflected the word “DUMBASS” back up at him
For no reason at all
He started doing karate moves
BACC Chorus
For no reason at all he started doing karate moves.
“HA. HA”
First in the doorway.
“YA! YA!”
Then up and down the landing
“YA YA
HA. HA.
HA. HA
HA. HA. HO”
Kill Me
Back down she said
This ain’t a fight you can win
Break down
Admit you’re wrong
To kill me
You better kill me if you can
Care I? Not at all
There must be something wrong
J’accuse
It’s easier than doing your job
To Kill me
Kill me if you can
Kill me…Kill me if you Can.
Well it’s a sacrifice
Did you win?
Well I win
Did you win?
Well I win.
Come on man won’t you step up
Won’t you step back
Swear to god it’d be a damn good time if you were to
Kill me
Better Kill me if you can
First strike well it’s a doozy
Coming back for more
Club hoppin but you never quit
Until you kill me
Better kill me if you can
Kill me
Come on kill me if you can
It’s a sacrifice
Did you win?
Well I win
Did you win?
I win
Look at me hardheaded am I
Frustrated not mine…he said
I am everything I wanted to be
And then you Kill me
You better kill me if you can
You Kill me
You better kill me if you can
Well it’s a sacrifice
Did you win?
Well I win
Did you win?
Well I win
I win…I win.
St. Gretchen’s Again
Billy searched his Impala and found an old pair of sweatpants
A Van Halen T-Shirt and one flip-flop
He headed out down the road
He didn’t know where he was headed
But it was as if the Impala knew and Billy just followed
The green neon sign up ahead…
When a man’s feeling low
There’s one place that he can go…
Welcome to St’ Gretchen’s
Billy was immediately hypnotized by the bare boob-a-rama occurring before him
The silicone pounding up and down to the rhythm of the music
It drew Billy forward
It was all so jugulicious
It was all so Titty-rific
It was all so jugulicious
And it was also titty-rific
A voice cuts out of the darkness
Big Daddy Crambone
Hey there…boy.
Slowly Billy turned to face the truly beautifully formed beer gut and the old fucker attached to it
Billy Joe
You better have a good reason why I’m not looking at boobs right now.
Billy said
The two men stared at each other
Now Billy’s mother had told him the story about his father so many times over the years
But it never prepared him for the click of recognition that he now felt
“Son” said the man…
“I’m Big Daddy CraMboNe!”
Big Daddy Crambone
Saw your ass from across the bar
Recognized you recognized that car
I’ll tell you what my dad told me
Get out there boy and spread that seed
Big Daddy Crambone’s been knocking em up
Don’t wear no rubber he don’t give a fuck
He’s a truck driving mommy making machine
Big Daddy Crambone’s been knocking em up
Don’t wear no rubber he don’t give a fuck
He’s a truck driving mommy making machine
Got me a kid in almost every town
Dumbasses one and all that’s what I’ve found
I am the king of impregnation
My genetic code spreads across the nation
Big Daddy Crambone’s been knocking em up
Don’t wear no rubber he don’t give a fuck
He’s a truck driving mommy making machine
Big Daddy Crambone’s been knocking em up
Don’t wear no rubber he don’t give a fuck
He’s a truck driving mommy making machine
And I…I…I…I don’t care
I don’t care
I don’t care at all
I don’t care
And I don’t care
I don’t care at all
Come on boy what are you going to do?
Come on boy what are you going to do?
Nothing
Don’t be surprised if you end up just like me
I’m the dominant gene and you’ll end up just like me
Shit don’t fall far from the asshole that dealt it you see
I am the semen genie
Spraying seed out of my weenie
Fertile farmer bumper crop
Forty kids man I can’t stop
Big Daddy Crambone’s been knocking em up
Don’t wear no rubber he don’t give a fuck
He’s a truck driving mommy making machine
Big Daddy Crambone’s been knocking em up
Don’t wear no rubber he don’t give a fuck
He’s a truck driving mommy making machine
Hey…Hey…Hey
Hey
God Damn Fool
What do you know
What do you say
This must be my lucky day
Didn’t think that it could get any better
Then you went and showed me a way
All these years never seen your hide
Then you come up to me gonna set me right
Well if you’re trying to get on my good side
You’re just a God Damn Fool and that’s what I said
I don’t give a shit old man about where I come from
I don’t care about where you’ve been
And it doesn’t matter what you’ve done
So I’ll warn you for you cross that line
To get out of my way cause I’ll be fine
And I’ll tell you for the second time
You’re just a God Damn Fool and that’s what I said
God Damn Fool
You’re a God damn fool
God Damn Fool that’s what I said
God Damn Fool
You’re a God damn fool
God Damn Fool that’s what I
God Damn Fool
You’re a God damn fool
God Damn Fool that’s what I said
God Damn Fool
You’re a God damn fool
God Damn Fool that’s what I said
You said a kick in the head is exactly what I’m needing
I say what you gonna do dad? Knock me up and leave?
And you gotta calm down control yourself
Maybe get another drink and toast your health
But you better take a hold of your happy self
Cause you’re a God Damn Fool and that’s what I said
I gotta say old man I don’t understand a word your saying
I don’t like the way you’re looking at me
Or the stupid games your playing
Don’t tell me anymore cause I don’t like it
Shut your fucking mouth and I won’t hide it
Cause here I go and say cause I can’t fight it
You’re just a God Damn fool and that’s what I said
God Damn Fool
You’re a God damn fool
God Damn Fool that’s what I said
God Damn Fool
You’re a God damn fool
God Damn Fool that’s what I
God Damn Fool
You’re a God damn fool
God Damn Fool that’s what I said
God Damn Fool
You’re a God damn fool
God Damn Fool that’s what I said
Bartender looks over at me says “better stop”
I say don’t worry about me man I ain’t gonna fight my pop
All the titties girls just shake their ass
Don’t give a shit about what just passed
But they’ll tell you what they think now if you ask
You’re just a God Damn fool and that’s what they said
Well it’s been great old man but I’m getting out of here
With that Billy tipped the girls and slammed the rest of his beer
And outside in the parking lot was a neon sign of the Porky’s style
And Billy sat down and then he sighed
I’m just a God Damn Fool and that’s what I said
God Damn Fool
You’re a God damn fool
God Damn Fool that’s what I said
What I said
What I said
You’re just a God Damn Fool and that’s what I said
Shiny Rocket
Outside the club Billy was just about to climb into his Impala
When he noticed his Dad’s truck at the far end of the parking lot
It was black with “Big Daddy Crambone” painted on the side
It’s flatbed was loaded down with one official
JATO jet assisted take off engine
Billy smiled…Shiny Rocket…He said
Now Billy didn’t know why and no one could ever explain exactly how
But he hooked that flatbed up to his Impala
And drug that rocket clear out to the middle of the desert
Billy and his rocket sat across from each other
Locked in that eternal struggle of now that I got one what the hell do I do with it?
Billy watched
He waited
And finally strapped that rocket engine to the back of his Impala
and aimed that son of a bitch straight out towards the sun
Scene:
Desert…
Billy Joe and his Impala
Jet engine attached
America
Bad Ass Car Crash
Just let me light this cigarette and I will pull all this shit together
One drag of last cigarette and I will pull all this shit…together
You all came to see it
You all came to tell
Of a lover and a man cut down to size
Well hero me and zero that
Got a bad idea I mean to hatch
When you speak of me get it right
You’re gonna lose me…
Headin down HWY 5
Old dad here furnishes the ride
Got my eyes set on them city lights
In praise of fuel love of gas
Got a big ass car jet engine attached
Gonna carry my ass on
Here and back
You’re gonna to lose me
Follow you…you’re gonna lose me
So you….you’re gonna lose me
So on you…you’re gonna lose me one bad ass car crash
Hammer to the metal hammer to the floor
Engines will cry to stop but she can take a little more
Engine’s hissing but baby you don’t listen
Gonna give it just a little
Give it little more
Push it to the limit
Push it to the floor
Once you get it going right
It’s one hell of a ride
You’re gonna lose me
Follow you…You’re gonna lose me
Follow you…You’re gonna lose me
Poor you…You’re gonna lose me one bad as car crash
Who will push the line for us all…I will
Who will set the high-water mark for us all…I will
Headin out past the light
Only call is your fright
Only hope is this car
And I will not give in again
I will push this shit defense
Only love is hard
And I am right
I am right
I am alive
And I am right
I’m alive
Poor You…
You’re gonna lose me
Sudden you…you’re gonna to lose me
Follow you…You’re gonna to lose me
Follow you…You’re gonna lose me one bad ass car crash
Scene:
Billy has met the mountain
If you get to Heaven
When Billy’s father heard the news he decided there was only one way that he could pay homage to his lost son’s memory.
He headed down to St. Gretchen’s and climbed his 51 year old body up on the stage
And in a maneuver not necessarily deft or at all erotic
He dropped his pants, hitched a leg around the pole and squealed
“This one’s for you Billy Joe…. This one’s for you.”
If you get to Heaven give me a call
Cause I want to know if it’s worth it at all
Cause if it ain’t then I’m not going
Gonna sit my ass…right here
Wait for something better to come around
Until then I’ll be sittin down
Waiting for the rain to fall
Waiting on the rules
If I told you all this
Would you care…Would you care anyway
Cause if it ain’t then I’m not going
Gonna sit my ass right here
If you see my friends tell them I’m fine and I’ll see them
Maybe next year
So why did Billy build his rocket car…what does it all mean?
Well not much really
Perhaps if Billy had had a chance to sum it all up for us he could have explained things
But instead, Billy’s just a stain on the side of a mountain
But since this is all Bullshit anyway
Let’s imagine for just one moment that Billy did have a chance to clear things up
We’ll invite Billy to step up to the mic here and
Let us know what it all meant
Billy, if you don’t mind…
Jugulicious
It was all so Jugulicious
It was also Tittie-rific
It was all so Jugulicious
It was also Tittie-rific
(repeat, fade…party on…)
EnD…