Bad AsS Car CRAsh
Act Two
“The birth of Billy Joe…A dumbass.”
Scene:
47 miles outside of Knob Noster
Billy Joe’s Mom’s Vagina
(Enter Billy Joe)
Straight out of Mom
About 47 miles outside of Knobnoster
Cross highway 9 well out past that light
BACC Chorus
“You mean the one by the Cum and GO?”
Yes
After almost eleven hours of labor
Out popped the head of one
Billy Joe
BACC Chorus
And everybody gathered around as that little baby head began to sing!
Singing Here I come…straight out of mom
Here I come…straight out of mom
Billy Joe popped his head right out
And he smiled and he looked around
I’d like to say hi to everyone who helped me be here tonight
And I would like to say well thank you mom
So plant those feet firmly in the stirrups babe
And hope to God that Epi starts to take
Because I’d like to take this chance to introduce myself
I am the one and only…
Billy Joe
Singing here I come…straight out of mom
Here I come…baby straight out of mom
Pass the popcorn
Pass the peanuts
9 months of passing them God damn pork rinds
Tossing your cookies over pantomimes
of all the bullshit that you can’t hide
expose yourself
derail your health
you’ve been dealt a losing hand
and on the upswing, you think of only one thing
that’s enter one
Billy Joe
BACC Chorus
That little baby head kept singing!
Here I come…straight out of mom
Here I come…baby straight out of mom
Here I come…straight out of mom
Here I come…straight out of mom
Billy Joe Popped
Billy Joe popped out with one hand clenched in a fist
And the other holding a set of car keys
His mother looked embarrassed
She’d been looking for those car keys all week
All week…all week…well all week.
Victim of Genetics
Everything starts out fine
You’re just a little kid
Playing around and having fun
Well genetics my friend
You will soon find
Is an inevitable conclusion
See…
You’re just a victim of genetics
It ain’t your fault that you don’t get it
You’re not so smart but don’t you sweat it
You’re just a victim of genetics
Well they packed you up
and they shipped you off
To your first day of school
All the kids gathered around
Just to call you a fool
You got your shirt on backwards
And your breath it stinks
Your hair is all gnarled up
And genuinely I think that
If you look you will surely come to find
No reason at all for you to even try
You’ll see I’m right
You’ll come to find
That you don’t mind
You come to find that you don’t mind
That all the time
You’re just a victim of genetics
It ain’t your fault that you don’t get it
You’re not so smart but don’t you sweat it
You’re just a victim of genetics
Three strikes you’re out
Well that’s a rule
And they tried to kick your ass right out of school
Crying foul at the smell and the stink and the shit and the grime
If it was up to me
I’d give you a chance to see it through
But I got the pull of a Tonka truck
And you are shit out of luck
If you look you will surely come to find
No reason at all for you to even try
Just look around you’ll see I’m right
And then you’ll find
That all the time
All the time that you don’t mind
You’re just a victim of genetics
It ain’t your fault that you don’t get it
You’re not so smart but don’t you sweat it
You’re just a victim of genetics
So now there’s all this then
You thought you were good looking
But well my friend
No one’s buying that shit anymore
Not me…Not the rest of the band
Not Poor Pappy Joe…wherever the fuck he is
See genetics are an inventible conclusion
That’s a fact young Billy is no longer disputing
He came to find
that all the time
That he didn’t mind
Came to find
he says I don’t mind
I don’t mind that
I’m just a victim of genetics
I don’t try hard
and I don’t get it
I ain’t so smart but don’t you sweat it
I’m just a victim of genetics
A victim of genetics
I’m just a victim of genetics
Billy’s Train of Thought
Billy’s train of thought was pretty simple
He was a little kid and he liked to do one thing
Go fast and I mean go real fast
And all day long
the only thing he could think would be
Billy Joe
I want a car (5x)
But then puberty struck
Billy Joe
Look my first boner!
And his train of thought quickly turned to
Billy Joe
I want to get a car…I want to get laid (3x)
I want a car
I want to get laid…I want a car (3x)
I want to get laid
But that was a little too much for Billy’s wee brain to deal with
And eventually all he could think would be
Billy Joe
I’ve got to get laid oh no no (I’ve got to get laid I’ve got to get laid)
I’ve got to get laid
Man, I’ve got to get laid
I’m having a serious problem over here (I’ve got to get laid)
I mean, I’ve had this boner for almost 2 weeks, and I’ve got to get laid (I’ve got to get laid)
BACC Chorus
Billy Joe is hard up
Billy Joe wants to get laid get laid
Billy Joe is hard up
Billy Joe wants to get laid get laid
What you gonna do?
What you gonna do?
Watch Xanadu?
Gotta Get Yourself a Car
Dave at the Kum and GO (Billy’s friend…the smart one)
You gotta get yourself a car
If you ever want to get you very far
Throw her in the backseat and it
Won’t matter how ugly you are
If you want to get her to give your dick…a lick
You’ll have to find her a car…in which to sit
No girl is gonna wanna
walk home after swallowing that shit
A 2 doors’ a little tight
A 4 door she’ll fits just right
A blanket in the back of your truck and
that girl can go and spend the whole night
So take some advice from little old me
A girl’s legs in the air you’ll never see
So listen when I’m talking
Baby I ain’t giving this shit away for free
You gotta get yourself a car
You gotta get yourself a car
You gotta get yourself a car
You gotta get yourself a car
Properly Equipped
Well this isn’t one of those stories
Where the main character works real hard
And eventually achieves his goals
No instead Billy Joe
Just bugged the crap out of his mom
Until she eventually let him take that old Impala
Of hers
And now properly equipped
Billy
Billy
Billy
Just needed a Girl
Dave
What you need now son is a panty peeler
Billy Joe
A what?
Dave
A panty peeler. You know a line that is so designed as to get that girl
To peel those panties right off for you.
Billy Joe
Oh I got one…
Lovely Vagina
Oooh..La la la la la
Rama lama lama lama ding dong
PHneee PHee boo shoon phtz
Glibby Glop gloopy a la la low low
Oooh Vagina (4x)
You’ve got a lovely vagina
And hey I’d like to try it on
I’d like to stick it right up in you
And then come morning baby I’ll be gone
Baby I’ll be gone
Cause you’ve got a lovely vagina
Oooh vagina (2x)
Come on baby…Take my virginity
After all we’ve been through Why would you make me have to beg
Can’t you see I’m just a victim of my puberty
Hey! Maybe I could just hump your leg
Like some rabid dog in heat
Cause you’ve got a lovely Vagina
First real car…first girlfriend
Shirt half off and bra half open
We’re parked over to the side of the road
Cheeky little girl baby ready to go…Oh no
She said this is your chance Billy Joe this girl she’s ready to go
She sticks her hand on your ass
You say she’s moving so fast
Says babe cause you got me out of control
First real car…first girlfriend
Shirt all off and bra all open
We’re parked over to the side of the road
Her two titties swinging to and fro…and you’ve got to like that
This is your chance Billy Joe this girl she is ready to go…and she’s ready to blow
She sticks her toe up your ass you say she is moving so fast
She say babe it’s cause you got you got me out of control…with that bugger up the hole
She’s gonna show it to you…If you don’t blow it she will (4x)
Oh no…
Oh no…she’s on her period…
Do I dare to stick it in?
BACC ChoruS
Don’t stick it in
Definitely…definitely on her period…it’s pretty messy I don’t know
Do I dare to stick it in?
BACC ChoruS
Don’t stick it in
You could just use her asshole
She’s begging you to stick it right in
Lubricated by the results of her indigestion
Experienced from the bottom end
You could just use her asshole
You could just use her asshole
Come on babe use her asshole
You know you wanna use her asshole
No
I do not want to use her asshole
BACC CHoRus
Why the hell not?
Not in a box…not with a fox
Not on a plane or on a train
Because I don’t care how hard you try
And I’ve tried pretty hard
You can not lose your virginity fucking somebody up the ass
Look it up…learn to read
You could just use her asshole
She’s begging you to stick it right in
Lubricated by the results of her indigestion
Experienced from the bottom end
You could just use her asshole
You could just use her asshole
Come on babe use her asshole
You know you wanna use her asshole
Well some might say that pussy is fine
I say well others find that asshole divine
I say you ask me I’m the latter kind
She’s a cheeky little girl she says it’ll be fine…it’ll be fine
Cause she knows
Cause she knows
She knows that’s just the way it goes sometimes
And there’s not a damn thing she can do about it ether
Nothing would be finer
Then a dinner of vagine-r
In the morning (8x)
Billy Joe Stood (He was a Dumbass)
Billy Joe stood about five foot ten
With jet black hair and a stupid grin
You could tell him about but he would not understand
Fact you could tell him to go look at that grin of his in the mirror
By the time he got to the mirror he wouldn’t remember why he’d gone there
And end up…
Just brushing his hair
He was a dumbass…from way back
Stupid shithead…loser reject (2x)
Billy got dumped right after graduation
And his mother said
And his mother said
And his mother said now Billy
I ain’t gonna support your lazy ass
You gotta get yourself a job (repeat)
He was a dumbass…from way back
Stupid shithead…loser reject (repeat)
Get a job…get a job…get a job…get a job.
Today
Billy Joe stood out by his car staring off at all his neighbors getting up and going to work
Their hollow faces, slumped shoulders
vacant distant eyes
And from somewhere deep inside his own heart
He was sure he heard a voice…calling out…
And then joined by the voices of all those other poor bastards on their way to work
Listen…
You can almost hear them now…
Today will suck like no other
No other day will suck quite like today
Today will suck like no other
No other day will suck quite like today
Here’s to the life we give away
Shit we do for pay
You kiss your boss’s ass and he screams hooray
BACC CHorus
Hooray!
For you know you gotta eat
And keep shoes on them feet
Dear god I hope I die today
Today will suck like no other
No other day will suck quite like today
Today will suck like no other
No other day will suck quite like today
Here’s to the life we give away
Shit we do for pay
You kiss your boss’s ass and he screams hooray
BACC CHorus
Hooray!
For you know you gotta eat
And keep shoes on your feet
Dear god I hope I die today
For today (Today!) will suck like no other (Today!)
No other day (Today!) Will suck quite like today (Today!)
Today (Today!) will suck like no other (Today!)
No other day (Today!) will suck quite like today (Today!)
Today will suck…today will suck
Like today
A Job That Blows
Well Billy said fuck all that…
Why get a job that blows
When you could get a blow job
Why try so hard to get ahead
When you could get hard and try head
I can’t believe all the time I’ve wasted not getting head
I can’t believe all the time I’ve wasted not getting head
Not getting head
That’s what Billy said
Billy looked back at his mother
Billy’s Mom
Get a job!
And he looked out at the road
BACC ChOrus
Today will suck like no other!
Billy looked back at his mother
Billy’s Mom
Get a job Billy!
And he looked out at the road
BACC ChOrus
Today will suck like no other!
Well Billy had a decision to make…
Talk All Night
Out to the bar
Our man Billy Joe
Was drinking hard…yeah
all night long yeah..
careful son you’re
about to take home
the biggest woman that you’ve ever seen
Like hell I will
Like hell you will
All stand back…here she comes
All stand back…all make way
Clear a path when Rolanda walks into the room
Her ass was bulbous and large
Almost the size of a small town
BACC Chorus
Like Knob Noster.
It swung almost 360 degrees with each tremendous step
And yet…Her legs and ankles were quite thin
Creating the optical illusion that her ass was even larger than it actually was
It actually was
And she said Baby
You come round here often
Are you a tease or baby
Easy as you please
Does your dick hang hard…or does it tend to soften
Cause that’s the word around the bar
I got to believe you can give me what I need
Or
You gonna talk all night
You gonna step up and do me right
Sweet baby poppa well we’re all out of beer
So where we gonna go when we get out of here
Tell my friends well I’ll see them later
She’s a cheeky little alligator
Sops it up and she swings it hard
Wish I had a swing like that in my backyard
And when she steps inside
All eyes to the right
And then she comes to find a little piece of mind
She then comes to find it but she don’t
She gets a load of me
Load of me
A load of me
I said big bad beautiful me
I was heading down to Baltimore
A dime store Romeo baby looking to score
Hard up and feeling tight
She says do you go and I say all night
Two tons of fun can’t be denied
Ain’t leavin till she gets her a ride
Got a gut but she keeps it around
Cause she swears that the boys like to bounce up and down
And when she steps inside
All eyes to the right
And then she comes to find a little piece of mind
She then comes to find it but she don’t
She gets a load of me
A load of me
A load of me
I said big bad beautiful me
And that’s fine
Drinking gin and tonic with a little lime
She’ll give it up
For a turkey leg she’ll do whatever you want
Get on top
Your lungs will cease and your eyes will pop
They call her loose
You think she’s big from the front you should see her caboose
It’s on tight
Got eyes in the back of her head that ain’t right
BACC cHORus
Couldn’t tell you just a what he said
Didn’t matter once he got her in bed” (2x)
She got down and loose and in time
Got down and loose and in time
As the liquor starts to ease my perception
I find my eyes wandering back in her direction
And as the pounds they seem to slip right away
Comes up to me and I hear her say
Ready to go or
You gonna talk all night
Hey are you good to go?
After the show?
I’m your two chin momma and I need to know
How’s about spending a little time with me
But park it by the door cause I still need to pee
I’m a one night stand built like a diesel truck
I don’t need me no man I just need to fuck
And as we step outside
Out into the night
She comes to find a little piece of mind
She then comes to find it but she don’t (Get high)
She gets a load of me
A load of me
A load of me
I said big bad beautiful me
Beautiful me
Big big big bad bad bad beautiful me
Put it in Me
BACC Chorus
12:35 back at the Knobnoster Inn
She looked at him
“Put it in me” she said
“Put it in me”
And she leapt upon him
Billy Two Dick
Well whether his penis was in her or not Billy did not know
For as Rolanda’s girth pounded down upon the young Billy Joe again and again
The oxygen quickly began to leave his brain and Billy began to dream
Billy Two Dick (Billy Two Dick)
All the girls think you’re a clown
But Billy Two-Dick (Billy Two Dick)
But you’re the only guy with two dicks in this
typically one dick per guy sort of town
Oh the girls like to
Double team him
He can fill them both with semen
And ladies that’s a guarantee
From Sweet William Two Dick (Billy Two Dick)
You are too good to be true
Billy Two Dicks (Billy Two Dick)
got one for your friend and one just for you
You can call him a freak
You can say that he’s odd
Well he’ll just smile cause he knows he’s the two penis god
And ladies did I mention? That Guarantee…
From Sweet Billy Two Dick (Poor Poor Poor Poor poor)
From Sweet Billy Two Dick (Poor Poor Poor Poor poor)
From Sweet Billy Two Dick (Poor Poor Poor Poor poor)
From Sweet Billy Two Dick (Poor Poor Poor Poor poor)
Rolanda finally lifted herself off the bed and smiled at the unconscious frame of Billy Joe
She rifled through his pockets and swiped his money and wallet
And then…after thinking about it twice
She went ahead and took all of his clothes too
She walked out the door
But just before she wandered out of this narration she paused
Long enough to write “DUMBASS” on the window of Billy Joe’s Impala
Billy Joe just gurgled away
Lost in his Two Penis Dream!
Billy Two Dick (Billy Two Dick)
Billy Two Dick (Billy Two Dick)
Billy Two Dick (ooh wah wah wah ooh)
Billy Two Dick (ooh wah wah wah ooh)
Billy Two Dick
EnD AcT TWo